Easier to make a mistake with actions than with words, but then I did both

| Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Give an inch, take a mile? That's me. I make mistakes. Regret and apologize. Realize, revise. Planet earth.

I'm just wafting through. I need to take care of things when I'm able minded. Dry throat, dripping mind. I've always liked the analogy of trying to remember a dream in the morning to trying to keep water in your cupped hands. I am pretty good at cupping my hands--almost no leakage, I'm serious. But my hands aren't so clenchy right after waking up.

I feel like puking, and I'm pretty sure that is just my fatigue. Coffee and dehydration doesn't help, but eh. I'm pretty darn sleepy. Sleepy is what I am. And I make mistakes.

It's not all a mistake. I think long and hard and make sure about some things. Sure, I bought that bitter coffee... but I know I meant the rest of the dinner. It was past midnight and my stomach re-confirms, it was pretty certain about the dinner part. Midnight rang 4/20 and I've still never smoked but I meant every bite of that stoner meal of cheap tacos and curly fries, along with the late night giggles on our second round of drive-thru.

My stomach feels like a pulsing avocado. 6am



I've got the 5am wordings. Bug eyes and spaghetti brain. Let's see how my noodle can do actual programming that needs to get done, at this hour. If I don't get distracted by the words. Which I will.

Should've known that burning-all-day coffee at Jackinthebox at 12am is gross and never worth a try--I should get some quality coffee at the on-campus Bistro tomorrow or sometime nice when it won't turn my stomach lining inside out (so never?) but god, coffee is so smooth there. No grimace, only that involuntary ecstatic smile, the kind I also get from peppermint tea with a touch of sugar after a day at school. But I guess the budget thing about drinking coffee is that it turns me off food, probably because of the caffeine stimulant plus the subsequent all-day nausea.

I need to work on my karma. Thin line between feeling guilty about every little thing, and being careless about everybody else. Guilty because I'm selfish, selfish because I'm guilty. The past few years I have been gradually building hate for those two words. And I like words. I'd like to flush these out of my mind-sight and out of my everything. I'm so introspective, which is great, right, but how about setting my sights outwards for a while? I used to think improve the inner, improve the outer. How's trying a switch? Karma. I need to work on mine.