Another term, another required hardware class. "Computer Architecture" this time.


I love not having class til 11am every day, but that means Computer Architecture at 1pm and Vector Calculus at 2pm. The two horriblest times for class.


I have C++ at 11am, then at noon it's lunchtime, but I can't eat fast enough to remember to nap before my afternoon classes. So I have to sit in class and wait as most of my blood exits my brain and fills my abdominal area for digestive work. My teacher seems like a real good man, but I have a hard time with the lectures. There's like a buzz in my head that won't let me focus.


Sometimes I fall asleep. With my eyes open. With my hand still drawing. It makes me nervous when that happens.


Eventually we get out, and we go straight to Vector Calculus which is... I don't know if it's worse, but it's sure not any better.


I've got Professor -------, who has a bad reputation, but I chanced it because I have this sort of confidence when it comes to math, because my daddy was #1 mathematician at his high school. ------- knows he's got a bad reputation--he probably reads stuff on ratemyprofessor or whatever. If I was a professor, I know I would. He addressed our potential concerns about him first thing in our first class, briefly, by assuring us he gives out as many A's as he does C's. He did not, however, address our concern about his ability to teach and enlighten us with understanding of vectors and their mating rituals. It's a concern of mine that is still growing.


I felt clever one day and decided to read the book during his lectures instead, and it did work--I began to understand. But in recent days, I can't focus enough to even do that. I feel comfortably wedged in a stupid mindset of "Doo do doo, I'm in class and I'm not paying attention because he sucks at teaching so I don't even give a fuck." I need to snap out of it. I've been out of high school for a while now.


But it's so frustrating when I don't understand. When I see people that do understand, we're on such different levels, I don't even know where they are. I can't communicate. Then I feel dumb, which is unacceptable, and I proceed to stop caring. Or at least pretend to. And I draw more drawings with a hint of fucked up, because my hands like doing that, even when I tell them to draw something nice so that people don't think I'm weird, or creepy, or emo.


But I know my childish patterns. Things should be a-ok as long as I make buddy with lady luck.