It's when I rediscover an old friend on Facebook

| Thursday, May 21, 2009

By rediscover, I don't mean I become friends with them again. I mean we accept each other's friend requests and then never talk to each other, but (at least on my side) I look through their photos and check their status messages when I see them posted. Which isn't often, because they have a life.

I'm looking through an album she posted. She and her wonderful family and friends went to Europe. Absolutely breathtaking. The faces I used to know...

It's another of those evenings where I remember, I don't really know many people. I don't do much. I don't live a whole lot. Beauty is something I live for, and my search for beauty takes the shape of my mundane everyday activities-- reword, my chronic addiction-- the internet. Beauty in an ultra-accessible form. I can view images, download audio, and play films. I can meet and contact people all over the world.

But can I go to Europe? Can I feel like I'm part of something real?

The internet can be a lot of things. I could live my entire life in it, but I think I would fade off the earth if I did.

I exaggerate. I'm not that far yet. I still try to stay active in real life--go to events I want to attend and meet people if I have the chance to. I would get a job here if it was easier. It's strange but I miss working. There's a feeling of purpose in it. Even with a minimum wage job, if I get to personally help someone in need, stupid little things like they need their thermos filled with ice or they need a towel to soak up spilled juice with, if I get to help--then I have served a purpose. A +1 to my score to take the edge off the -1's. I guess I can go back to that, as much as I persist on getting some IT-related job over the summer to gain relevant experience.

I've been searching for jobs like that on and off the past few weeks, and something I've realized is that no matter how far I get, it's still hard to feel very qualified. Everyone wants a Bachelors and 5+ years experience. I thought things would be better for me after going into college. What has changed is that I am more "adult" than I used to be. Yes, my range of possible jobs have increased. I have a better chance of getting a job at Office Depot or WinCo now, or in other industries that the bulk of society looks down on. That would be a no.

Where am I?

I'm in college in pursuit of a degree that will help me get a good job, if standards don't keep rising (just an illusion, right?). I am almost done with my first year. I am getting a summer job to help the costs of school. I have made some new friends and lost some old friends. I am writing a blog that I will probably regret later, but for the sake of this feeling of clarity in my mind, I keep writing.

Where am I?

I am alone, but online. I am losing money, I am alone, and I have an internet addiction. I have art and beauty at my fingertips. I have the freedom to walk outside at any time and find my own morsel of beauty. I have the freedom to leave. To gather more silver, and lose the gold. Freedom, luck, love, and support. I have more than I can keep within sight at all times. I try to be optimistic. Forgive me.


Overmind said...

This sounds all too familiar I think it must plague us IT people more than the rest of the world.

drFurly said...

I also know the feeling well. I once made myself feel useful by creating a blog. :p

but srsly, take a bike ride if you can, or troll craigslist for events. venturing into the sun for a few hours can do wonders for that +1/-1 list of satisfaction you seem to be keeping tabs on.